Back in 2009 I wrote 4 posts that talked about how your inner child messes your life up. I thought it would be a good idea to revisit them all today.
As a coach, I am confronted with this question on a daily basis,
“How can I feel more happiness and peace in my life now?”
The answer is simple but most people don’t like the answer. “Grow up!” Now I’m not trying to be sarcastic or condescending, hear me out on this one. Most people are still utilizing behaviors they learned in kindergarten and on the playground as their tools for success. And guess what? It ain’t workin’.
Your so called “Inner Child” isn’t so inner after all. In fact, it’s quite outer. One of the most important steps towards happiness and peace is giving up the behaviors you adopted as a child in favor of more conscious, responsible and adult solutions.
Here are 19 ways your inner child messes up your life and ensures you don’t experience happiness and peace.
1. Self-pity. Why me? I’m a victim. If life was different, then I would be able to be happy!
2. Jealousy. Being attached to people will make your life miserable. People will do whatever they do and all you can do is manage your promises, commitments and attitude towards them. Managing their behavior will only annoy you.
3. Envy. The Drunk Monkey (your mind) declares, “Now is wrong. It will be better when you have that stuff over there.” You will never arrive. You will never have it all. We coach people who make hundreds of millions of dollars and they still believe that someday it will all be better when they have more stuff.
4. Competitiveness. No one is competing with you. Everyone is trying to get ahead in a world were all the measurements are figments of your imagination. To compete is to say that there is a way you can be a loser. You never lose, you just learn.
5. Temper tantrums. Manipulating people with your anger is something all children learn to do early on. To continue to use it into adulthood is a guaranteed way to create suffering for you and others. Most people will opt to not deal with you. Your life will be small. You may succeed but your life will be small as in shallow.
6. Emotional Outbursts. Same thing as above. If you use this as your way of getting what you want, then you will have a life filled with conflict, struggle, anger and doubt. You will feel lonely your whole life and not really know why.
7. Resentments. If your life is not fulfilling, then this is the number one reason. This is the highest priority of your Inspired Action Coach. When you let go of your resentments, everything in your life gets better, and quick. Standby, I’m going to start uploading some coaching calls where I help people let go of their resentments.
8. Hatred. The Drunk Monkey loves to hate. To hate is to demonstrate that you are in control. To hate is to show the world that you will not be messed with. But there is one problem. You get what you focus on. If you hate, you will bring negative situations upon yourself. Give it up, today.
9. Rivalries. To be in a rivalry means you perceive there is a lack of something. Lack of attention. Lack of recognition. Lack of glory. These are childish misconceptions. You can always get the attention you deserve. To be in a rivalry makes sure that you never feel satisfied, even when you win.
10. Competition. Again. To compete is to fear that there can only be one winner. What you seek is the experience you think winning will give you. Focus on getting that experience and don’t worry about who placed in what order.
11. Seeking the limelight and admiration. The Drunk Monkey is always trying to be the biggest. It believes if it is admired by all, then it will survive longer. It believes if it is admired that it will be able to spread its DNA all over the planet. Aren’t you ready to grow up? You are going to die no matter how popular you are.
12. Willfulness. Isn’t it bizarre how old people display behaviors they developed as 2-year-olds? Willfulness is just a form of righteousness. An addiction to being right. Why? Because The Drunk Monkey believes that being right will help you survive longer. It won’t. It will just make you miserable.
13. Blaming others. To be the victim and not take responsibility is standard protocol for most people. The truth is, you are not always responsible. But that’s not a very powerful place to stand. In the end, there is no blame to be assigned. There is just the experience you are choosing to have.
14. Thwarting responsibility. Related to blaming others. This kindergarten behavior is about declaring yourself powerless. The only powerful thing to do in your life is take responsibility no matter what. The person who takes responsibility has options and power.
15. Making people wrong. This is The Drunk Monkey’s favorite past time. By making people wrong, you get to be right. The Drunk Monkey perceives that by being right, you will somehow win more favor and stay alive longer. Maybe you’ll get the more attractive mate if you are more right then others. Good job, little monkey!
16. Looking for favor. The class clown. The know it all. The helper. The kiss ass. They are all looking for favor. Looking to be more. Seeking the limelight in hopes of being better then others. You will get ahead, have it all and still be live with fear and anger if you don’t let go of the idea that something outside of yourself will give you happiness.
17. Collecting stuff. The Drunk Monkey believes that more stuff means more life. By more life, I mean more prestige, more security and more power. Things do not create any of these effects. I have seen many clients get the $7,000,000 house and instantly think it is too small or not enough. Next they are on to the cars, plane and on and on ad infinitum. What do you think you will accomplish with all your stuff?
18. Showing off. It’s all about winning favor and being special for The Drunk Monkey (your mind/survival mechanism). Apparently The Drunk Monkey believes that if people love and adore it, then it will live longer. It doesn’t happen and eventually you run out of tricks to show off with. Then what do you do? FIND TOOLS TO BE HAPPY NOW. Good thing you are reading this blog.
19. Petulance. Which means feeling unreasonably irritable or ill-tempered. Why do we allow ourselves to go down these dark roads? First of all, no one has ever asked you to question them. Second, you get so much juice from this kind of behavior. You get to control people. You get to manipulate. You get to be the victim. All of which messes your life up.
And that does it. 19 ways your inner child messes up your life. I hope you gained some new awareness from these posts.
Author
Matthew Ferry
44 Comments
Yes, you are actually right… stuffs like this really happens. But i think it would be better for all of us only if you could tell us how to stop!! Because it just doesn’t stop!! it keeps on going, automatically!!
its so funny how these behaviors and attitudes run most of my life. at least im aware of it a little more often. it seems like intimate relationships are the true test and tend to bring out so many of these childish attitudes. thanks matt, i love the blog. jeremiah
hello u r quite true !!!!!!!
Thank you Matthew once more for the timely message.I am grateful to be more aware of those things and let them go as they come up. Awareness is truly the key! Love and blessings, always.
You are simply amazing!
So, show us how to feel a smidgen of happiness a midst this barrage of inner turmoil???
Celeste, two things. 1. Come to my next webcast in a couple wednesdays and I’ll show you some ways to get a smidgen of happiness in the midst of turmoil. 2. Search The Drunk Monkey on my blog and there will be a ton of great tips for you.
I can see where my inner child has been messing with my life! Thank you Matthew!!!!!!!
Matthew – by reading these I’m aware that I’ve grown – because I have no arguement with any of them. They all ring true. It pleased me to read them because so many of them I’d already sensed were so. Thank you for creating this check list of symptoms to be aware of.
Thank you! Since I’ve started using your teachings I’ve actually seen positive changes happening in my life:) I’ve been trying to find out the reason for my unhappiness and anxiety for the last couple years and with your help I’ve found out what it was…it was ME. I have been holding myself back..so thank you for that and everything! Have a good weekend:D
Thank you…for everything:D
Great job Matthew. As you know the results, which the childish called success, are merely a false security.
How about we simplify this one step further and go to a mature, logical, and more aware state by choosing to not judge? Some may say this is too simple. But does it have to be difficult?
It seems to me hate, fear, envy, and the others are all forms of judgment.
We ought not stop expressing our loving heart and in the meantime accept what occurs around us even if we seek to build something other than what we see.
As Deva says, “…and let them go as they come up.” That doesn’t sound judgmental at all. Good call Deva.
Thank you Matthew.
Dave Moore
Good stuff, thanks. Regarding #13) Blaming Others: I always think of it this way…to Blame is to Be-Lame.
Scott, blame is to Be-Lame. that’s awesome. Thanks for the contribution to the conversation.
this is so true Matthew ..i never realize i had been doing these things..one of the reasons why i stay so miserable most of the times.But I would really appreciate if you also would tell How to avoid such things. I mean I am now so used to being like this needy and a like a victim that i cannot see above the surface.
Sudha, do a search on my blog for The Drunk Monkey and you will get a ton of ideas on how to kill The Drunk Monkey!!
Really insightful. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it. And I can definitely relate to most of them. Thank you Matthew
Rachel
Mathew-I read your blog.I liked it. Also I felt that you have tried to put everything in front of the readers which you have experienced in your life. Thanks a lot.
what i have observed in my life one should keep one’s requirements to limited level. this will bring piece in life.
Arvind.
Arvind, Thanks for acknowledging the honesty of my work. Regarding your comment to keep requirements to limited level. I agree and think of it differently. Rather then “wanting” less, I work to be unattached to that which I want. I notice that the nature of life is creative. That ideas, desires, thoughts arrise on their own. It seems there is a constant wanting for what’s next. I’ve practiced releasing my need for what’s next. This has brought great peace for me as well. Thanks for your contribution to the conversation.
Matthew,
Thank you so much for sharing your work with us.
I signed up to the 7 steps to Happiness and Success just a day or two ago, and I am already feeling much more empowered.
I am so grateful.
Sarah 🙂
Thanks Mathew,
Insightful indeed. I have often heard these qualities or behaviors that do not help you truly ‘grow’ in life… thanks for revisiting these with us again…
It is strange that even as adults we need someone else’s accomplishment as a standard against which we want to compare ourselves and mostly we feel ‘small’ and not so good in such comparisons.. the best is to set ourselves against our own limitations or own set goals
Thanks again
Priya
In the end, we are all human and we need to navigate through life with truth and constructive choices. It is great to be aware of how our beliefs and how our energy can affect ourselves and others. It is easier to slip back to old habits when life gets tough, so awareness of our ” drunk monkey” thoughts is helpful. Vitality equals energy minus the obstacle. Happiness is working through all events and obstacles and finding some joy or learning in the process. It is what it is. If you light up your passion and senses, everything seems brighter. It is all about how you choose to view things, and what you chose to do.
Marnie Kozub
Marnie great clarity here in your comment. Thanks for contributing to the conversation!!
Great insights. It is amazing how we get in our own way and do not even think about it some time. Thanks for pointing us on a better path.
The above are true but useless information. I am interested to know how to get over, get rid or at least minimize acting them out.
Fummag, do a search for The Drunk Monkey on my blog and there will be a ton of articles on how to get over The Drunk Monkey.
Matthew,
This information is transformational and is such a gift. Thank you for the consistent reminders so the dm doesnt take over. Jennifer
Great blog! I see the logic and wisdom in each point..now the key is to catch the drunk monkey in the act and send him packing! The more we review and become enlightened the more we move forward and grow. Through repetition of new habits these become old patterns we no longer engage in. It’s so hard because we are taught many of these things throughout life….like to compete, to be the BEST, to want or need “STUFF”, the name of the game is to have it “ALL”….so many of these things were measures to define “success”. Now after achieving what society deems “success” and feeling less “FULL” than when I had less I am again turning inward. Maybe less is more. I don’t want to have my tombstone read “She sold alot of real estate”. Life is to be LIVED….I need to learn how to do that again….and still pay my bills. That’s why I am here….and I know I am in the right place. Thanks! Looking forward to working with and getting to know all of you.
Susan
Susan your comment is very clear and powerful. Thanks for contributing to the conversation.
This couldn’t have come at a better time. Certain electrical devices which have made my life healthier and happier have decided to quit working. I am in limbo till Tuesday to find out if the warranty is going to cover them or if my company will just replace them for me. Till then keeping the DM quiet is going to be a trick and a half.
It is true that these weaknesses are the causes for ones failures and not progressing in life. I have noted this in my life.Can you recommend a way out please?
Adanaya, The way out of these negatives is there seeing The Drunk Monkey in action. This is what my work is all about. Awareness of The Drunk Monkey and it’s motives gives you choices. All the negatives in this article are automatic responses the presence of danger. Only problem is, 99.99% of your life is not dangerous at all. Yet The Drunk Monkey is delusional and constantly pulls you into fearful states. Do a search for The Drunk Monkey on my blog and you will see a ton of info to help you spot The Drunk Monkey in action.
Hey Matt,
You are right on the spot, great article.
I think self-pity is one of the easiest ways to mess up happiness.
Good stuff.
Cheers
I love the reminders. I am a changed women from this work. This all reminds me of my favorite Matthew Ferry Quote “Give up that anything is wrong in your life”
I see my self in many of the above behaviors mentionediIn the past, but I am not doing any of them nearly as often.
Thanks Matthew !! You are always on my graditude list!
Susan
Matthew. I read this. If there is resentment, hate, or a sense of rivalry going on …. what’s the best way to cure that with the other person…. or is it something internal that we must deal with first? How do we cure this?
Erica, you can not cure resentment, hate or rivalry in others. What you can do is work on accepting them exactly as they are. The good news is, you are in my new mastermind and we are going to practice this as a group for the first 90 days. Accepting people exactly as they are is like magic. It instantly changes them.
As always, you do a great job of making me aware of times I resort to survival mode in order to cope with a disappointing outcome. Thanks again for getting me back on the path of powerful and purposeful living and always remembering to maintain integrity in the process.
Matthew your exactly right!
I call my Drunk Monkey “EXIT” and here lately I’ve been focused on everything going on around me and all the emotions and baggage that goes along with it and I’ve not been EXITing it out of my mind, but letting it control me. This has got to stop,now! What I’m gonna do is put your list with my daily devotion to read as a reminder to not let all the crap get in my way and take over each day.
The timing of your emails are just perfect, definetly what I needed to hear and be reminded of.
Thank You for your inspiration!
Vickie
So true. instead of growing old, it is best to grow up.
Hi Matthew,
all you write is so true. You gave me a book in 2007. I treasure that book and read it over and over again. It has made such a change in my life that many of the items you wrote about are not even an option anymore. Thank you so much!!!
So….. when there is a time when there is a financial pause…. how does one stop thinking about it?
I write it down every time the drunk monkey starts telling me things that unease me. That really helps! What can I do to enjoy the time while I’m waiting for the universe to deliver? Better said what can I do to be at ease with it more and be mire confident that everything will come and in due time and better than expected?
You are a true miracle worker!!!! And thank you so much for all you are doing for us all!
Samuela
My Dearest Mathew,
I just want to thank you for all the free information you have given me. I know that god brought you into my life for a reason. It is so sad I had to learn this at this age. I am just happy that I am getting this info. God bless you and your family.
One of your many appreciative students, bri
Very inspiring post. Thanks, you gave us a long list, but we have many ways to trick ourselves out-of-action. I love what you said about the inner child. Perhaps it could have been number 20 on your list. I see people treat their inner child as if it is some seperate entity – even therapists appear to do that. I see people hide behind their inner child as if it has full control. Well, it has, but only as long as we let it. I see other commenter ask for recipees for change.
Let’s begin to say that it it is no use denying these old feelings – our mind would just keep coming back with them. But once ackowlegded we can turn them around bit by bit. No need to feel guilty about our “bad habits”, that would still keep us living with our backs to a better future. Just every time you recognize falling into any of the 19 “traps”, stop for a moment and observe what you’re doing to yourself. Breathe and let it go and find a way to handle your situation in a positive and constructive way instead. Be patient with yourself.
Oh yeah, faubluos stuff there you!
I guess im kinda guilty with some(if not most) of the things listed here. XD. I guess it’s probably time i hunted that lil monkey out of my system.
Thanks for the insights